Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Newshound Steve Rhodes, Poet JJ Tindall and Private Eye Ed Hammer Craft Ultimate ChiTown Tourists Stops

I read The Beachwood Reporter everyday* and my Testosterone level is higher than it was when I was Nineteen and My Investments in Precious Metals Have Made Me the Crassus of  South Rockwell! - Pat Hickey - Your Internet White Noise Specialist

Exclusive: Chicago's New Tourist Attractions!

"Intriguing new attractions to make Chicago more appealing to international tourists could be implemented within months with the potential to attract 75 million visitors by 2020, blowing past Mayor Rahm Emanuel 50 million goal, the board chairman of Choose Chicago said Thursday," the Sun-Times reports.
"Glass-enclosed cable cars along the Chicago River, designated club cars on CTA trains to O'Hare Airport and plane rides along the lakefront may sound pie-in-the-sky but Bruce Rauner portrayed the ideas as attainable within a relatively short time frame."
And that's not nearly the half of it! The Beachwood has learned that the following ideas are also under consideration:
Virtual City Council: Tourists invited to sit in city council meetings and cast actual votes as long as they agree to always vote Yes for the sake of historical accuracy.
Downtown Zip Lines: Also known as Rapid Transit Air Lanes. Try one yourself or hail a Zip Cab.
Drone Pilot For A Day: Fire missiles into random groups of Yemeni and Afghan civilians from an official U.S. military kiosk at Navy Pier.
The Jesse Jackson Jr. Petting Zoo at Millennium Park:Stocked with just one species: Elk.
Taste of Terre Haute: A festival featuring the food of the Terre Haute federal pen.
Foreclosure Walking Tours: Tours last eight hours a day for a month. Patrons issued concealed 9MM Glocks, cadaver chalk and recycled red-light cameras.
CompStat Theater: Watch from behind the glass as police chief Garry McCarthy reams out his commanders for embarrassing the mayor by not preventing crime it is impossible for them to prevent.
Pizzeria UNO: Rebranded as the city's cloutiest pizza.
CTA Grand Jury Trains: One of several brand extensions capitalizing on the popularity of the CTA Christmas Train franchise. Also: The CTA iPhone Robbery Train and the CTA Concealed Carry Train.
Millennium Park 2.0: A life-size replica of a working U.S. Steel plant will rise on the site of the former U.S. Steel plant on the Southeast Side. All tourists who browse through the faux plant will be directed through the gift shop, where a half-dozen rotating part-time cashier jobs that pay minimum wage will be filled by former steelworkers who don't yet have mesothelioma.
Charter Vest Rentals: Adventure tourists who want to visit real Chicago neighborhoods will be offered body armor rentals at airport and downtown kiosks. Proceeds will go to help struggling charter schools.
Photos With Jim Belushi: He'll pay you to take a photo with him. Hopefully tourists will then pay it forward by spending that money at local establishments.
Chicago 911: Tourists invited to respond to 911 calls the police don't take anymore.
The Chicago Ghost Payroll Marathon: In lieu of actually running, spend three hours in a bar then show up at the finish line to collect your ribbon.
J.J. Tindall, Ed Hammer, Steve Rhodes

Posted on February 26, 2013

* except when Bother Rhodes has some lame ass excuse and then I have to re-read the previous day's pithy missives.

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