From the fine folks at Spoof!
Boston, MA/ Political News - In a bold political move, Winter Hill Criminal Gang Leader, Whitey Bulger, emerged from "hiding" and moved into the limelight after the Massachusetts Senate voted unanimously to grant him amnesty from a career of Murder and Mayhem.
Political pundits of the one party state, said Bulger gives the DEMS their best chance to sweep the mandated Senatorial election required under Massachusetts Law with the death or retirement of an elected representative.
Kennedy family members denied rumours that Bulger was the last known visitor to the Kennedy bedside in a late night visitation, and that he gave absolution to the criminally neglient Senator.
Governor "Cadillac" Deval Patrick, put his official signature to the amnesty bill this morning while sitting pool side at his $1.7 million mansion, brushing aside nagging questions from the media concerning his edict to shut down all community pools citing the state was "broke, and couldn't afford anymore Chlorine, or pool maintenance!"
Meanwhile, insiders claimed the Bulger move was an act of genius, putting the 80 year old Bolger in his accustomed place as a ruthless leader of thieves, scam artists, hit men, and anti-social politicians.
Bulger's life was chronicled in the popular movie "The Departed", with Bulger's role played to perfection by Hollywood Icon, Jack Nicholson.
The Bulger story became one of myth and legend after it was discovered that he was in bed with the FBI in the Bay State, who proffered him favours, and overlooked hits, in turn for information that resulted in the arrest and successful prosecution of his rivals. A lot of Money also exchanged hands.
Bulger appeared on the FBI's most wanted list in 1999, and it appeared to many that the agency had no real intention of pursuing him as it could lead to more embarrassing revelations within the agency.
Whitey's brother, Bill, was the former head of the Mass State Senate, and went on to a brief appointment as the President of the University of Massachusetts, where his public service has led to a tax free $400k a year retirement package.
Bill often said he had no idea where his brother could be hiding out, but came out of retirement to become his campaign manager yesterday.
At least two FBI agents are serving time in jail for an assortment of crimes, not the least of which is fingering an informant that led to his eradication by Bulger and his henchman simply know as "The Rifleman."
Stories continued to surface concerning Bulger's where a abouts and he was interviewed by a Spoof Reporter in his mansion on Cape Cod where on a clear day "he could see Martha's Vineyard", in a toll booth on the Mass Turnpike where he worked for awhile as a $90,000 tolltaker, also in Patriots' stadium where he was seen hawking peanuts and beer, and even as late as last month where he was seen at a Barney Frank Town Hall meeting working a security detail.
Details leaking out from the Mass legislature seem to indicate Bulger had a small, but secure and homey office in the State Court House, where his official title was "Head of Janitorial Services and Pest Control", a position created by Patrick, who has denied it, and paying $175,000 a year and guaranteeing a pension "to die for".
FBI and Justice officials are said to be glad their long embarrassment is over and announced they no longer had Bulger on the Most Wanted List, the same day they announced they were abandoning the corruption investigation of New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson since all witnesses had "gone missing" as well as 3 GOP Federal Attorneys who took "early retirement."
Spoof Investigative Reporter Hal A. Peno, was said to be "really Hot", as he had worked tirelessly on the investigation and "had the fucker dead to rights!"
Fourteen possible challengers for the Senate Seat, announced today they were dropping out of the Senate Race, "for personal reasons."
The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.