I #$%^ing hate bridesmaids dresses. Total waste of my hard-earned money, even if—or especially if—they’re purchased from usually reliable purveyors of good taste like Vera Wang or Neiman Marcus. Bridesmaids dresses have inspired bad movies and good websites, because frankly, their only upside is that they offer comic relief.
Now, being Progressive, I’ve seen some bridesmaids’ dresses of truly spectacular multicolored #$%^itude. Weddings below the Mason-Dixon are a festival of the tacky and tricked-out. Lime! Fuschia! Ruffles! Picture hats! Butt bows! We could spend hours unpacking the psychological baggage of a woman who makes her allegedly dearest friends wear such hideousness. Then New York weddings introduced me to the previously unimagined: black bridesmaid dresses. The only time you’d wear black to a Progressive wedding is if you’d #$%^-ed the groom and needed a passive-aggressive way to show your sorrow that he’s off the market (so be forewarned—if any of you show up to my wedding in black, I will make assumptions). I realize that little black dresses are practically a religious obligation for Tea-Baggers, and black bridesmaids dresses can probably be recycled more easily, but come on, ladies! I don’t care how chic/flattering/slimming black is, it’s not a joyful color, and weddings are joyful occasions. Save the black for my funeral, or at least for my divorce party.
A good bridesmaid dress is practically an oxymoron, but I’ve had them. And needless to say, I’ve had bad ones too. For your reading pleasure, I’ve culled the tops in each category for this rant. Feel my pain, won’t you?
This exerpt from how I hear Jan Schakowsky is accurate in spirit if not lifted from a site about fashion. This makes more sense than the Congress-critter Her OWN Bad Mannered Self and much more sense than Dithering Dick Durbin. It is tough being a Democrat with these mopes out there.