Friday, May 31, 2013

Sweet Hickey's Advice on White House Pest Control

The Face Confronting the Baller Obamas Through the White House Screen Door -" Hi, It's Doug!!  Hello?"

Publicly released records show that embattled former IRS Commissioner Douglas Shulman visited the White House at least 157 times during the Obama administration, more recorded visits than even the most trusted members of the president’s Cabinet.


February 22, 2009,

Dear Mr. Sweet-Hickey,
My husband has an employee, Doug Shulman, who visits OUR HOUSE constantly.  He wants an Easter Roll; He has no duct tape; he borrows the hose; Barack's ratchet sets; wants to shoot Horse; drinks all the Blue Moons and leaves some nasty-ass @#$% called Grain Belt; eats whatever is in plain sight without asking a simple by your leave; uses the bathroom and never flushes.  I am at my wit's end with this. Please, help.  The two girls are creep'd out.
I see his face through the screen door and I want to Maya Angelou his ass!
Signed, Michele O. Wash.D.C.

Dear Mrs. O.
Ho, ho. . . slow down and take that cleansing breath. 
It sure sounds like this bureaucrat has gone Full Kramer on you.  That is the price we all pay for being social animals.  Unless you happen to live on a pillar in the desert, or come from Swedan, you are always going to have the neighbors pop in on you and your family.  While it can be frustrating, it can also be very helpful.
Either you must have your husband, the as this man's boss, gently but firmly set ground rules for visits - " Hey Doug, great to see you and all, but call firs . . .really."
Now, that can hurt feelings and may lead to problems in the work place. Here's what I do.  Put the guy to work with something messy. You see, many drop-in types are just people with not much to do, while others are preying on your good manners.  You can not be sure which type this person happens to be.
I suggest this alternative, because it really has worked for me.  I used to have many neighbors pop-in, bang on the back door, or just let themselves in.  Now, I am a pretty lazy guy as well as a very selfish brute to boot. When Paul Vallas dropped in to see if I had any Colander's Greek Spice, I noticed my sink full of dishes.  I gave Paul the Colander's and said, " Hey, Paul.  I gotta run up to Keegan's Pub with Bernard's monthly issue The Piranha.  Do me solid, Paul and nail them dishes for me?"
Paul sent Sharon on tasks after that - that Dutch Babe is tougher than calculus.
Anyway, I learned that by giving my visitors something to do, visits vanished!
Make Doug a part of the solution to some other problems.  Have him get Doug to  replace  a toilet seal, 
That is a pain . . .easy but the seal is tricky and messy.
Doug, boy!  Do me a Solid -Rod out a sewer line, get up on the roof and clean out the leaves and whirlybirds, or replace the attic insulation.  Nothing says, " Last Visit for Me" like an afternoon in hot crawlspace with spunglass.
Have Your Old Man act all helpless, shrug, scratch the back of his head and kvetch with an issue that requires only Doug's expertise and happens to be  so distasteful that he'll think twice about a pop-in visit.
Good Luck!
Mr. Sweet-Hickey

A Musical Interlude and Passing of Time 2009-2013

April 1, 2013
Dear Mr. Sweet-Hickey,
 I apologize for the delay in thanking you for the very best advice on how to handle Doug - the drop-in Kraemer pest.  Barack and I have been so busy killing Bin Laden, getting re-elected and transforming America that I have been remiss in this task. Sorry.
Well, you were certainly right!  Though Doug is a frequent visitor, he is far less creepy because of the tasks Valerie, David, Samantha and I have given Barack for Doug to do.
Doug is on it!  Thank you so much!


Michele O, Washington D.C.

May 2013,

Dear Mrs. O.,

That, to be of help. I remain . . .
Your Mr. Sweet-Hickey

Obama officials who've visited the White House (As prepared by The Daily Caller)

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