Last night, like most of us here in Chicago, I was plowing the snow on my walk, driveway and porch - every ten minutes - and decided to treat the neighbors and took the Old MTD Snow Blower north on Rockwell.
At 107th, the auger was packed with wet,icy chunks and not blowing snow out of the chute as it should. I shut off the machine and unclogged the blockage. I noticed a sign in the front window of one of the houses - TALKING DOG for SALE.
As it was about 7:30PM, I decided to inquire.
"You gotta talking dog?"
'What of it?'
"Nothing. I saw your sign."
'He's out back in his house. Hey do my drive.'
" No sweat."
I plowed the man's drive - sounds homoerotic, that.
In the fenced-in back yard was a beautiful Golden Lab.
"Hi, there handsome! You are a good boy."
'Don't patrionize me. please.'
I was Gobsmacked! "You Talk!??!"
' Is that a question or an exclamation? Yes, I talk very well. I have from the time I was a puppy. I speak Farsi, Arabic, Russian and Korean, as well as English. The lout who pointed you in my direction - who wants to be rid of me - has only had me for the last year. You see, I was placed in the Department of Defense and served with distinction in Desert Storm II - I listened to Al Qaeda and reported on their planned attacks. I was so effective that I was transferred to the Department of State and sent to pick information wherever the Nation needed me. I was retired, took a mate and went halves on three litters of pups and eventually sold to this Knot-head from Chicago.'
" Would you care to move down the block? My dauhter Clare would love you!"
'Proud to! Get his asking price.'
I knocked on the back door and the man answered, 'You do my drive?'
"I did. What are you asking for the dog?"
"That's all for a talking dog? Here. . . here's a Jackson!"
'Take him! He's #$%^ing Liar! He never did any of that $hit!"
. . . And on I plowed. That lying dog stayed put.
With apologies to John Linehan Leo 1977!