Shameful Things I Haven't Done

I am a deeply flawed man, a sinful man, a willful man, an arrogant man and a crabby man, given close to immediate proximity to jackasses in shoes and socks.

I have done many shameful things in my life.

But I have never

• Blamed it on the Bossa Nova'
• Partied like it's 1999
• Taken my Hat off to Larry
• Cried a Little, Before the Clouds Rolled By a Little
• Demanded that Rhonda Help Me.
• Checked my weapons at the Door
• Paid My Quarter
• Burned my Leather on The Floor
• Grabbed Anyone's Daughter
• Asked Alice
• Flew Down to Rio
• Gave Peace a Chance
• Played that Funky Music
• Rode the Pony
• Did Watusi, Like My Little Lucy
• Did Jerk, nor Watched Me Work
• Saw the Harbor Lights
• Took the A Train
• Drove by Mary's Place
• Lived in a Yellow Submarine
• Did Mickey's Monkey
• Thanked the Lord for the Nightime
• Day Dream Believed
• Booga-loo'd Down Broadway
• Took the Midnight Train Georgia
• Grooved on a Sunny Afternoon
• Sock'd it to Baby
• Dug Good Vibrations
• Went Off to See The Wizard
• Loaded 16 Tons
• Ferried Across the Mersey
• Asked the Lonely

These, I do not need to hangdown my head about and cry.  

In the Face of Changes, I Confess!

"Wenceslas!  Good King Wenceslas! You look out on the Feast of Stephen . . . OUT!  Around, See what's happening!   Jesus, you're as thick as a bull's Walt, your majesty!"



Things change for the better, except in government and popular music.  Most people are much nicer to one another. Certainly the evolved cuisine beats the blue-plate special offerings of forty and fifty years ago. Domestic thermostatic climate control is superior especially in summer months.  I no longer need to sleep with my feet hanging out a window over the gangway in July and August.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.   Well who don't? If Heraclitus has it right there is no constant but flux.  My hair and its absence in certain precincts of my noggin are pretty good indicators of this verity.  I ain't no kid.  I can still ascend the four floors of Leo High School without the aid of an oxygen mask full of natural gas on each landing and I am yet able to two-step like a self conscious Fred Astair; nevertheless, I am not the Steve Stunning of yore. Ecclesiastes 3, 1-8

I try to make my thoughts words and deeds appropriate to the occasion and fight my more juvenile impulses with . . .well that is not entirely true.  I behave only when threatened.  Somethings never change, Heraclitus. I confess my short comings and human limitations in order to off set any possibility of actually putting forth a huge effort. Kind of like when the Leo Maintenance Chief Ron asked me if I'd like to help unload fifty bags of sidewalk salt - " Gee, yes, Ron!  As soon as I finish mailing both of my thumbs to the Saudi Royals. Let me know where you guys are!"  I know WHAT TIME IT IS!

It's time for the Hollywood Argyles!

Beef, Or You Die; Try This! Guinness Braised Beef Ribs

There's a Little Nip in the Air!  No, it's not Pearl Harbor Day.  'Tis Fall.  The leaves are past their ruby/amber seasonal majesty and are browning up nicely for their annual trip into my gutters.  The Illinois Football Playoffs begin and the IHSA *comes up with new and ever silly ways to make competitive sports as unappealing as an Andy Shaw witch hunt.

It is time for me to unbox the reliable and multi-caloried utensil for the Autumn and Winter seasons and seasoning - The Hamilton Beach Slow-Cooker.   My kids grew up on comfort food stirred in pot by old Dad on the stove-top, or the Slow-Cooker:  Chop Suey ala George's from 79th & Ashland, Klondike Chili aped from the recipe of late-great Charlie Orr, who brought Cajun Cooking to the south side via the Maple Tree Inn, Granny Hickey's SlumGullion, Kapust, St. George Illinois Smoked Boudin and Andouille Cassoulet with white beans, Lanacshire Hot Pots, Irish Stews & stuff I just threw together with broth,bacon, noodles and vegetables. The kids' favorite skillet offering was and remains SOS - creamed chipped beef on toast..

I now cook for one - my son of whom I am well pleased and who eats like he's going to the chair.

I plan to braise beef ribs in Guinness over a score and change of hours.  I will arise, at some point, an go . . .go to County Fair Foods on Western Avenue and nine bean rows will I pass and arrive at the meat counter.

I shall order beef ribs.  While the guy who took over when Mike retired cuts and trims my Moosickles,  I venture over to the vegetable section and grab some leeks, celery, spuds ( baby reds), carrots, green onions and parsley.

I have a spice shaker filled with Hickey Mix - Cumin, Coriander, black pepper, paprika and curry powder, onion and garlic salts.  I'll empty about four tablespoons of the stuff into a bowl and add 1/4 cup of brown sugar and dash or six of Kikoman Teriyaki Sauce.

I'll go over toCounty Fair's new beer section and grab a four pack of the big Guinness cans and six pack of Bud Lite for Conor. How, he can drink that swill plumb evades me.  A bad can of Burgie was better than that equine medical specimen.  I will also purchase a large can (16oz.) of whole tomatoes. 

In my big black cast iron skillet, I'll make a dark roue and spoon onto wax paper and when cool wrap it up..  Then, I'll  set the roue in a dish and stick it in the icebox, 'cuz I won't need it for a day or so. After cleaning the skillet with a paper towel, returning it to low heat on the stove I'll brown the bones on the three sides what's got meat.

Set them aside, when brown and then throw in the vegetables -all but the spuds let them soak up beef.  Now, I'll marinade the beef ribs in Guinness ( two big Cans garlic cloves, and black pepper corns over night and into the next day.  A good 20 hours.  Remove the ribs and toss the marinade.

Out comes the Hamilton Beach and after the porcelain innards gets a good cleaning and returned to the tin frame, I'll set t on slow. . .as slow as an Oberlin Summa Cum Laude.

In go Guinness marinaded cow slats, which shall cook for a minimum of four hours covered in Guinness from the remaining two cans and then stir in the above mentioned Hickey Mix & Brown sugar, a can of whole tomatoes, some sliced garlic gloves and some pepper corns.  Then - now here comes the hard part - Stir all carefully. Put the glass lid on and step away from the pot.

After four hours and change,  I'll add the browned vegetables and stick the baby red spuds in a pot of ice cold water. Cook three more hours and stir in the roue.  If it is night time turn off the slow Cooker and stick the porcelain pot in the ice box. If not cook for another two hours or so

Then, it gets close to eatin' time.  I plan to make the Australian spuds.  You half-mash the red taters on a baking sheet, sprinkle them with olive oil, salt and pepper and bake like cookies in 450 Degree oven for twenty minutes.  Those are base for the marinaded ribs, if there be any meat left on the bone that is. Sprinkle with chopped parsley.  Guinness Is maith agat agus Guinness dhéanann oidis mór níos mó.

Eat until you perspire.  Make your son do the dishes . . .as if.

* The IHSA is considering proposals from certain schools ( losers) requiring that all schools qualify for the playoffs.  WE ARE ALL WINNERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Jesus.

Asian Women and White Irish Males - A Sensitive Consideration

(above beauty) "EeeeeewUUUUUUUUUU!!!! OMG This Old Irish Gwailo is totally staring right through me!" says Hot Asian Babe

Is it all about the eyes?  Round-eyed white males -qwailo, or 'ghost people' -are said to stare through every Oriental woman within staring distance.  That is something, I must get to the meat of ASAP.  I try to treat all people with equal dignity and sensitive regard.  My Uncle Bart ( a Korean War Veteran) taught me at a very early age to be sensitive in the regard  of others -"Patsheen, you gotta remember that a crowded elevator smells very different to the midget on board, no matter where he's standing. . . . chew on that for a while."

Post Honeymoon Sino-Celt Cuisine 2013 (above) - once the bond is formed.

I recently learned that a FeminAsian activist/documentarian  wants the world to know that Gwailo males are said to be disturbingly enralled with the Women of the Orient.  Cute is cute, I would counter, but I thought to pursue the issue.

A new documentary, which airs tonight ( May 6, 2013)on PBS, explores the psychology behind yellow fever - the phenomenon that sees white men attracted to, and sometimes even obsessed with, Asian women.Filmed and directed by Debbie Lum, a fourth-generation Chinese-American from St Louis, Missouri, Seeking Asian Female looks to discover why many men see Asians as ideal wives, a concept that is 'very painful for the Asian-American community,' Ms Lum told ABC News.According to the filmmaker, there is an overriding perception that women of that particular race are more docile and make for obedient life partners, a stereotype that is offensive and often untrue.

The lovely Ms. Lum, descanted with Foucaultian charm - 'Every Asian-American woman knows exactly what I am talking about,' she said. 'Men come up to you in a way that really looks like a stare, which lasts a bit longer than it should. 'You can feel it,' she continued. 'It's like they are looking through you.'

Well, Deng! Talk about painting with a broad brush.  Ms. Lum, just beca,use a round eyed geezer is giving a bit of Eastern Dim Sum the long appraisal, does not necessarily mean that like Jimmy Carter, one has lust in the heart.   At our age, it takes twenty minutes to read the plastic wrapped menu at Denny's.

I ran into an acquaintance who in his late middle aged shopped for an Oriental bride - one Declan "Banjo" Larkin.  A trans-continental Tristan and Isolde union was formed between Larkin and his mail-order bride Crystal. Banjo is retired City of Chicago Water Department digger.  The man can dig; hence the sobriquette of Banjo, a euphemism for the shovel. 


Banjo Larkin Mount Carmel 1967 "Hickey, 
When is it time to go to the Chinese dentist? "

Me- " Hmmm, I dunno."

Banjo Larkin -"Tooth-hurty.. . .get it?"

Me - "No, please repeat it"

Banjo Larkin - "Hickey, 

When is it time to go to the Chinese dentist?  . . .(repeated -ad infinitum)"

Me- "Banjo, How's the Bride?"

Banjo- " A Pearl, Hickey.  A Pearl of the Orient!"

I imagined Larkin Manor. . .
 

Mr. & Mrs, Banjo Larkin of Alsip, Illinois, At home:

Mrs. Banjo-  " Bajo, Is Gon Rain?"
Banjo - "Fuggs My Tay?"
Mrs. Banjo -" Arun Stow. Gedgey Yu-sef.! . . . .(in diminishing sotto voce in native tongue)   AI YA! NI SHI ( trans: you are a) DAI ZI!   Gwailo mudah fudah! "

I read a study from the London School of Economics that concluded:

“We found no evidence of the stereotype of a white male preference for East Asian women. However, we also found that East Asian women did not discriminate against white men (only against black and Hispanic men). As a result, the white man-Asian woman pairing was the most common form of interracial dating—but because of the women's neutrality, not the men's pronounced preference. Men don't seem to discriminate based on race when it comes to dating. A woman's race had no effect on the men's choices.” 

Quod Erat Demonstrandum!

I love women.  They tolerate us . . .for the most part.  One even married me.  I am now a widower.  When my beloved wife Mary was fighting for her life, well meaning persons of limited thought often asked her " How'd get a brain tumor?" 

 The ready redhead would rejoin, " I married him."

I dated fewer women* than I recall, I suppose.  Let's see, I am now 60 and change and began to notice the allure of women at age (10 let us say).

• Irish American - Eileen (3), Noreen (2), Terry(1) ,  Mary (1), Mary Kate (1), Kathleen (1), Sally (1). Patty (1) - Norine was salt water Irish.

• French American (Kankakee County only) - Michelle (2), Paula (2), Barbara (2)

• Italian American - Cristine ( 2), Lynn (1), Marylynne (3)

• Polish American - Cindy (1), Anna (2), Alina (1)

• German American - Betty (1), Debbie (1)

• Jewish American - Bunny ( 1), Deborah (1)

• Beer-Goggle Skank American (undeterminate number and unspeakable self-loathing if exact)

• African American - Pam ( 1/2) her dad ran me off with plumber's wrench - circa 1972.

That's it.

Now, as to Les belles femmes sexy et désireux de l'Orient???? Never had the pleasure of a comely maid of the Heatrhen Chinee.  I'd take a hard run at Nancy Kwan ( or the babe above) six days to Sundays:  forward and in reverse.  " My secret!"


* Numbers may skew as to the recollections of women and level of enjoyment or personal revulsion measured on the assignation(s). 

http://web.archive.org/web/20071130030433/http://www.glaad.org/poc/api/embracing_diversity.php