Thursday, August 20, 2015

Check, Please ? I Think Not. The Epic Crime of Dine and Dash Should be on Public Television

We are soooo not paying!

Instead of self-absorbed, affluent and very transient Urban Foodies( Like these mimosa sucking cretins below) and scions of old Kenya who sleep in the White House, Chicago's own public television should produce a show with real bust-outs, louts, rum-pots and deadbeats from the Rainbow of Gender who beat the check. 
I have watched Check, Please on PBS ( WTTW - Wilmette Talking to Winnetka) whenever the paint had dried, or the grass had yet to rise above my thick and manly calf and been thoroughly repulsed by smarmy, self-important, thumb-dummy handlers of I-phones who send back orders and sniff Mogan David and Chateauneuf du Pape with matching contempt and yet complain that " This beer is nowhere near Hoppy Enough!"  Every time I watch PBS programming I get that old feeling. That now is the time for the all-too-human rubber band that holds our sanity together to go boink and then grab the Bowie knife, my sling shot and burlap bag full of ball bearings( I hate guns) and go hunting for Urban Adventurers in Lincoln Park, Lincoln Square and only a small sections of Logan Square and  Hyde Park as well as portions my own neighboring Beverly.  Wicker Park, Ukrainian Village are populated by young, hip and generally cynical young 'uns who can't stand PBS/WTTW either. Closer to home folks in Morgan Park, Mount Greenwood and all of Black Chicago seem populated with patriots and people of prayerful good sense.

I would love to see Dine and Dash Chicago.  Just recently the Northwest Indiana Times reported on a Chicago Cub Jersey festooned . . .(what's the word I am looking for . . .wait, wait; don't tell me) . . .lummox who beat Buffalo Wild Wings of Porter out of a ound personal gorging  and guzzling that totaled a little more than Half a Yard.
PORTAGE | Police are seeking the public's help identifying a suspect in multiple dine-and-dash incidents.
Police on Thursday released a photo of a man they said failed to pay his bill Aug. 13 at Buffalo Wild Wings, 6530 U.S. 6.
Police said he failed to pay for $51.67 worth of food and drinks.
Police said the man in the photo wearing a Cubs jersey has used the name Terry at the restaurant.Anyone with information is asked to contact Detective Cpl. Ted Uzelac at (219) 764-5707.
Imagine, a thirty minutes long weekly docu-drama with real people empaneled to present and discus their experiences of cheating bartenders, waiters, waitresses and restaurant owners out of tips and purchases!

Our host could be a toothsome young gusher from Lincoln Park who would chirp. 'Tonight,  we, . . . Ah,. . . some random, Ah, . . . You now Okay dashers.  Tim originally from MacMansionland Naperville and now stays in McKinley Park will tell us about beating the check at Tufano's Vernon Park Tap.  Tim, you, ah, just got of Ok, . . .Illinois Rehab . . .but had a Um great meal?  Right? "

Tim,  a soul patched and tattooed Occupy Chicago veteran and  hipster living in McKinley Park, because Bridgeport is so 2010, is wearing a colorful and thick Heavy wool Toque and 'I Love Spam' t-shirt under and open flannel ginoormous-checked shirt, replies" It was, So kind.  I started with eight Blue Moons at the bar, 'cuz they make you wait, and I told this old lady that I had stuff to do later and she was all like 'Sinatra waits; you wait.' whatever and this random guy like a cop says to mind my manners or he'll give a slap and I'm like 'that's harsh!' So, then the old lady says, I can sit done, but I've had seven Blue Moons and I said - "Hey I'm enjoying my cocktails." The cop-like guy, probably from Homan Square and up for going all Burge and Gitmo on me gets up and I'm like 'Okay!'  So, I get a table near these breeders and their kids which is cool, because it's always better to have a crowded place to beat the check and I get another old lady who says 'What can I get you?' and I'm like '2016 Pitchfork Passes, Granma!'  Not cool I guess but I order a bottle of Layer Cake Primitevo and the fried calamari, two orders of pizza bread and salad. Then I got the Tufano's Lemon Chicken and potatoes. Now, I'm stuffed and buzzed.  I got cannoli to go. Now, this is sweet.  I get up and pretend to go to the toilet and stand there like some old dude is like still in there and so I go stand next to cop guy at the bar, like I'm interested in the sports game hockey, or something and wave to an imaginary guy I know near the door and shout, " Dude! This place is Sweet!' and act like I'm going to shake his hand and then out the door.

Chirpy, the half-wit daughter of an Obama bundler from Evanston, squeals, " Sweet! What a total scam.  But tell us what followed."

Tim, feigns bashful, " This  huge dude parking cars grabs me and tosses me in the street and shouts that I'm like lucky this neighborhood gentrified, cuz if it had been twenty years ago at The Sisters, or the Nut House I 'd be in a sewer in pieces and then he gets all harsh-up on me and then I'm like in Illinois Rehab and a dude from Peoples Law Office files a wrongful beat-down suit against them and tells me I should score big when they get the right judge. Whatever."

Yep, that would be sweet and so 2015 Chicago.

The next guests - Alderman Proco Joe Moreno and CPS CEO Forrest Claypool.

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