Chicago Tribune 12/03/07
'Gordon! Drop the Bear! Name Him for the Prophet, Infidel? - Try This Needle Point, Mr. Eminent Victorian!'
KHARTOUM, Sudan - A British teacher jailed for letting her students name a teddy bear Muhammad as part of writing project headed home Monday after being pardoned -- ending a case that set off an international outcry and angered many moderate Muslims.
The incident was the latest in a tense relationship between the West and Sudanese President Omar al-Bashir, an Islamic hard-liner who has been accused by the United Nations of dragging his feet on the deployment of peacekeepers to the country's war-torn Darfur region.
Among the Doric Columns of Chicago's Newest Club, Renaissance Man Mike Houlihan explains International history and Morality to Journeyman Reader Pat Hickey - no mean task that: ( hushed quietude erupted by outraged incredulity!)
'Bugger Birkenhead, Houli! The papers resound with cries of Gordon's Ghost - the good man kebobed in defense of the Khedive of Egypt.'
'Hickey, Old Sod, Lytton Strachey and your devotion to old Bill Thackeray's son-in-law not withstanding, the truth of the matter is that Pasha 'Chinese' Gordon was guilty of the exact same crime as the plump,toothy Brit spinster - (you are yet a widower, Hickey? , never mind )- about to British Airways her way back to Old Blightey as we wheeze here in our New Club - The Cleek of Chicago, Worthington! another Olde English - on my chit - Cheers.'*
'Houlihan, you mean to say that this chubby do-gooder -tendering McGuffey's Reader to the Fuzzy -Wuzzies in the Sudan - is merely another Brit to incur the ire of Islam?'
'Quite. You see, Old Man, Gordon, like most Britons, would slaughter Wogs and Paddies with aplomb and delight all day long, but once Apollo's Orb dipped past the earth's golden sleeve - prosing too purple, am I ?'
'Once the infernal day ends a Brit likes nothing better than to clutch and snuggle with a plush toy animal - a Plush Bear - termed Teddy here in the emancipated Colonies. You see, Gordon, as a Professional Soldier and Amateur Humanist, liked a good Pet Snuggle along with a whacking good read of Holy Writ over the slaughtered bones of Heathen Chinese caught in Britain's Opium Trade and the Fuzzy Wuzzie's of the languishing Slave Trade; thus Gordon's presence in the Sudan. He had a stuffed bear named Mohammad that he carried with him through China and later in the Sudan. In China, he termed his dear pet Chinkey Freedman, much to the scowls of the pig-tailed Heathen, but once in the Sudan - Mohammad. You see, Hickey, Old Inflamed Colon, Gordon's naming of his pet is what stirred the ire of the Mahdi; brought on the Siege of Khartoum; bankrupted the Gladstone Government; and ultimately chucked the lumber through Gordon's pump. Lessons of History, My Boy, Lessons of Life.'
'Your Chinos are smoking, Old Man!'
'WORTHINGTON! Another 40! Pronto!'
* An earlier Post recounted the low blackguarding of Mike Houlihan by the snobs of the Union League Club - on response Mike founded the Cleek of Chicago - the Driver of the City:Mashies, Rakes and Niblicks are for smaller souls. The Cleek of Chicago is Big, Big Club!