Mike Houlihan Gives Guv a Swiftian Kick in the Jacobs

Last month Governor Pat Quinn was criticized for attending the Personal PAC ( Planned Parenthood's ATM)Honors Awards Banquet by the Catholic Bishops of Illinois. Personal PAC is all about funding abortions with State of Illinois dollars. Catholic Bishops and Catholics do not accept abortion as anything but the murder of a child.

Terry Cosgrove, President of Personal PAC/Gay Activist/Lawyer/State Employee, immeditely crafted the compelling narrative for the media - Cardinal George and the Catholic Bishops were being mean to a rape victim. Not so, but that is the spin.

The Bishops want another heart-to-heart with Pat Quinn who is already sponged and oiled by his cut-man Terry and the media. The Media is the editorial boards and iconic columnists who take up print space from reporters.

Pat Quinn, as well as the rape victim who is a Director of Personal PAC and helped Terry Cosgrove elect Quinn as Governor of Illinois, plays the martyr: Bishops are Catholic meanies and Quinn is a Christian Cupcake.

So, another round of chat and media Catholic bashing is set for the Christmas Holiday Season.

Mike Houlihan is an actor, author, film-maker and journalist. Houli is a pal of mine. This December's issue of Irish American News features Houli at his best- crafting a satirical sage that Un-PCs the hypocrisy that is a daily feature of Illinois public life and also a good swiftian kick in the dainty cookies* of Illinois Governor Pat Quinn - metaphorically and allegorically speaking to be sure.

I offer the Man in Full -Houli!

Malachy Swift was not a bit modest
about being a dog lover. He loved
his Irish Setter Finoola.
Malachy was so in love with
Finoola that he wanted to marry
her. After all, Malachy and Finoola
had been cohabitating for almost
a decade and that alone was evidence
of the integrity of their union.
They’d been together even longer in
dog years.
Actually it was dog years that
gave their romance that May-December
quality. Malachy was only
in his late twenties and had met
Finoola when she was a pup and
he was just graduating from high
school. So she was quite a bit older
than Malachy.
Malachy had invented a computer
application during college
and made a fortune on the Internet
matching up dates for the LGBT
crowd on his website, “Sockets &
Wenches.” He’d dabbled in the gay
lifestyle himself but soon grew
weary of the endless merry go
round. Malachy was curious about
inter-species affection.
One night while combing out
Finoola’s shiny red coat after an
Elton John concert at The United
Center they took their relationship
a step further. He put on a Johnny
Mathis record of Christmas songs
and poured a half bottle of Pinot
Grigio into Finoola’s bowl.
Before you knew it they were
both head over paws in love. Malachy
proposed the next night over
some milk bones and liver as he
placed a diamond collar around
Finoola’s neck and popped the
question. It was a modest proposal.
She said “Woof!” which Malachy
took as a yes.
The nuptials were delayed a bit
when they wouldn’t grant them
a marriage license at the County
Clerk’s Office. Malachy was not the
type of guy to wait though and he
immediately made a phone call to
his old friend the Governor.
The Governor sensed an opportunity
and insisted that Malachy come
for dinner at the Mansion the following
night. Malachy had donated
quite a bit of dough to the Gov’s
campaign because he believed in
his agenda of raising taxes and
increased abortions.
After a sumptuous dinner, the
two men sat smoking cigars and
sipping brandy in front of the fire
as Malachy made his pitch.
“This is very, very, very important
to me Governor. And to all of us
who crave inter species marriage.”
Are you looking for marriage to
all animals or just dogs?
“Well in my case it should be just
Irish setters and I know you’d be
on board with that because we’re
both Irish.”
Irish Catholics!
“Exactomondo! I suppose we
should include all dogs and most
farm animals as well.”
But Malachy, let’s please exclude
pigs so we don’t piss off any
Muslims.
“By the way, Governor, I must ask
you. What was that delicious dish
we had for an appetizer tonight? I
don’t think I’ve ever tasted anything
so succulent or sweet.”
I thought you’d enjoy those
Malachy. Those are baby fingers
and toes. Planned Parenthood sends
them over by the truckload. I got the
recipe from the White House chef at
the Inauguration Ball. You can only
use first trimester babies because
those are the most tender.
“Well they are just scrumptious.“
The Governor clinked his glass
with Malachy and the two agreed
that the next day legislation would
be introduced to legalize inter-species
marriage throughout the state.
Malachy thanked the Governor
and made out a $500,000 check, on
behalf of his organization Privacy
PAC, to the Committee to re-elect
the Governor. Privacy PAC is committed
to electing legislators who
support animal husbandry.
The two shook hands and Malachy said, “I’d like to get married
in church, but I have a feeling
that might be a problem.”
Not if you go to my priest, Father
Larry, over in Oak Park.
“Oh, did he officiate at your
marriage?”
Uh, no Malachy, actually I’m
…divorced.
“Was she a bitch?”
Well, she wasn’t an Irish
Setter.

A well placed kick to the Jacobs can often have salabrious effect upon a man in great need of re-thinking his point of view and publc posture. The Catholic Bishops of Illinois might be well-served having Mike Houlihan along as a consultant and avoid another bait-and-switch from a politician who uses Catholic when it suits him.

However, if the politician's said Jacobs have been well-oiled with Novocaine, those numbed anatomical twin orbs will not register the well-placed and powerful punt.

The rest of us get it.

Jacobs - Cockney rhyming slang - Jacob's Cream Crackers = knackers/cookies/reproductive vessles.

O'Donnell Abu! Delaware Outsider Clocks Mike Castle! Chicago- R. Emmett Tyrrell Might Do Just That . . . Not to Mike Castle Of Course -O'Donnell Did

. . .On with O'Donnell then! Fight the good fight again!
Sons of TyrConnell are valiant and true!
Make the proud Saxon feel Erin's avenging steel!
Strike! For your Country! O'Donnell abu!

O'Donnell Abu (The Clan Connell War Song)(M.J.McAnn cir. 1843)

Great tune! And now the tune-up!


One of Rich Miller's Sock Puppets at Capitol Fax Blog reacted to the news that R. Emmett Tyrrell, founder and editor-in-chief of The American Spectator, a West Side Chicago native and Fenwick Alumnus, stated his interest in running for Mayor Chicago.

- IrishPirate - Tuesday, Sep 14, 10 @ 12:33 pm:

Tyrrell is thinking of running?

Pat Hickey’s hands must be sweaty and I bet his heart skipped a beat. Alan Keyes isn’t available?

If Vdrolyak runs I imagine Hickey might not even be able to type because of all the excitement. The word “vapors” comes to mind.

Does “R Emmett’The Clown’ Tyrrell even live in Chicago?

In some cases people seem to forget that you have to actually live in Chicago or at least be a “resident” of Chicago for one year prior to the election. I’ve seen reports touting candidates who live and are registered in the suburbs.

http://thecapitolfaxblog.com/2010/09/14/daley-retirementpalooza-continues-unabated/#comments

Sweaty hands? Well, IP Old Son, this 19th Ward Democrat has ice water in his political veins. Guys call and ask, "Want Yard Sign?" Sure put 'em over there. Get excited about elected officials? Please. I get excited when they change the deli counter at County Fair and at Calabria Imports, but excited about candidates? No, Sock Puppet, I am much older than six years of age. Little kids get loopy about colored balloons and buttons. I vote or help only good girls and boys.

Kelly Burke, Johnny O'Sullivan, Dan Lipinski, Bridgey Gainer, Mary Flowers, Paul "The Wall" Vallas, Ray Wardingly, Ed Maloney, Kathy Meany, Alexi Giannoulias, Pat Quinn, Terry Peterson, Tommy Dart, & etc.

Tommy Dart is a gent! He's broke, Tapioca( an homage to Mike Houlihan's Epic Comedy), bereft of funds, short on dough-ray-me, but very good guys are putting the idiot-stick on the money rake handle. You know, the reaaacccchhhh extenders that painters use. Shortly, Tom Dart will have more Hundos and Grants up around his knees than people living on 107th & Troy had flood waters in their basements.

Rahmbo is the media darling. He needed to buy off opponents when he ran for congress and import talent to ring door bells. But, he is really smart . . .the media keep saying that.

Meeks is not Gay Friendly.

La Pappas runs like a baton-twirling deer!

Terry Peterson is the guy to watch. Powerful folks were holding fund-raisers for Terry years ago and I went to them. If I had Terry's money, I'd throw mine away. More importantly, Terry Peterson knows government and he knows politics and that is what has been sadly missing from the Mayor's Office for decades.

Nah, Bob Tyrrell will enter the lists and challenge the Pie-Chart Dopes like Ralphie Martire who has bankrupted every branch of government that gives him time and money.

Rich Miller's political clearing house, Capitol Fax Blog, is a juicy, snark permitted, closed club of full agreement. The Miller Sock Puppets like Irish Pirate and my personal favorite Skeeter seem like government employed operatives with dogs in the fight. Could be. Who cares? It is a Democratic Club aad very Clubby - CFB blinks and flinches every time SEIU lifts its chubby arm.

Now, the news this AM tells us about the "clowns" and "outsiders" and "scary people" who still manage to win by huge margins, because voters are sick to death of Closed Clubs - GOP and Democrat.

This babe O'Donnell had the world on her back in her busines and still clobber GOP Marque Kirque Look-alike - Mike Castle:

DOVER and WILMINGTON, Del. -- Conservative activist Christine O'Donnell scored an upset victory in Delaware's Republican Senate primary on Tuesday, defeating longtime congressman Mike Castle 53 percent to 47 percent.

O'Donnell's surprising win marked yet another triumph for the Tea Party movement and may have ended the Republican Party's hopes of regaining control of the Senate in November. Polls have shown O'Donnell trailing far behind Democratic nominee Chris Coons, the New Castle county executive.

"Ladies and gentlemen, the people of Delaware have spoken: No more politics as usual," O'Donnell told an ecstatic crowd of campaign volunteers at her election night celebration in Dover. "Don't ever underestimate the power of ‘We The People.'"

In her victory speech, a beaming O'Donnell called for Republican Party unity, but she did not mention Castle by name.

Asked by RealClearPolitics while leaving the stage on Tuesday night whether Castle had called her to concede, O'Donnell said, "No, not yet."

What a Pound Off! We have plenty of similar Pound Offs in Illinois Public life - snark permitted.

South Side Irish Parade - Lazarus Come Forth!

A solid well done to Chicago Police and Fore Departments and the Liquor Commission!

Yesterday's neighbrhood events were untroubled, because Commander Mike Kuemeth and the officers of the 22nd Police District and Chicago Fire Department specialists worked with Illinois Liqour Commissioners to prevent any all idiocies.

The neighborhood enjoyed a good day - not a great one.

The South Side Parade should march again. Chicago Sun Times writer Mark Konkol, a solid guy and an honest journalist sought out two solid Parade Advocates - James "Skinny" Sheahan, long-time Chicago Special Events Director and Renaissance Man Mike Houlihan concerning the resusitation of this great family event.

Quoth Houli and Skinny:

Born on St. Patrick's Day in 1979, she would be 31 years this Wednesday. 31 years. I'm almost twice as old as that.
When I was 31, well, I acted like a goof sometimes myself. But nobody said, "He got drunk and embarrassed us, let's kill him."
No they didn't. They believed in me. They saw the potential for something greater in me and never withdrew their love and support.
But South Side Paddy ... Well, is SHE really dead?
You've got to listen to the rest: SouthSideIrishParadeeulogy.WMA

By the way, James "Skinny" Sheahan -- Mayor Daley's former parade czar -- predicts the parade will be back next year. Why?
Because without it, Beverly is Irish, but "boring."

More from Skinny Sheahan via the great Mark Konkol

"I'm sure the parade will be back because we need a parade. Beverly's still Irish, but [without the parade] it's very boring," Sheahan said. "Listen, I was in charge of every parade in Chicago for 10 years. I've seen more parades than anybody in the world except for Mayor Daley, OK. This was a great, great parade. Two percent of people at the parade were goofballs, that's a fact. But the parade will be back. They'll have a heart attack when they read that, but I don't care."

Let's revive the South Side Irish Parade! If the spirit is still in the bones, save the wake.

http://www.suntimes.com/news/metro/2102550,CST-NWS-stpats15.article

Chicago's Voice Returns with Skinny and Houli on Avenue 950 WNTD AM

The only thing sadder than a fat girl playing the song Georgy Girl over and over again, is the sorry state of Chicago's Voice.

John Kass - solid pipes; Steve Rhodes at Beachwood Reporter ditto, but these lads are but rarely heard on the Radio airwaves or over the Idiot Box.

Well cheer up Boys and Girls, Skinny and Houli are coming to Chicago's airwaves!

Cant Free Radio Returns!



Skinny & Houli Show debuts on Avenue 950 WNTD AM


Avenue 950 Timeless Cool, a product of Sovereign City Radio Services, rolls out their much anticipated program, The Skinny & Houli Show, on Wednesday nights from 6-8PM beginning January 20.

James "Skinny" Sheahan, former Director of the Mayor's Office of Special Events and Mike "Houli" Houlihan, columnist for the Irish American News and former features columnist for the Chicago Sun-Times, introduce listeners to the quirky characters and stories that give our city its unique charm.

This two hour, freewheeling talk radio dialogue features two of Chicago's most irrepressible personalities, discussing what's happening in the city each week. The hosts will dissect the news, politics, sports, and entertainment scene with their trademark wit and introduce a variety of community activists and neighborhood heroes.

The Skinny & Houli Show, in partnership with Special Olympics Chicago, will feature guests who are making a positive impact on the lives of Chicagoans plus a "Special Olympics Spotlight" on an athlete, coach or volunteer for outstanding achievement.

Tune in to Avenue 950 and hear a show that will make you proud to live in Chicago.
Click my post title for the sound of the current state of Chicago's Voice - get out the Hankies Girls!

Terry O' Brien and Malraux the Boat Preckwinkle Sprinkles at Keegan's Pub

Discussing écrivain engagé, Andre Malraux with Smash McKenna at Keegan’s Pub during half-time of the Bears/Greenbay abortion, I quoted the author of La Condition humaine to make plain my point about the 4th Ward Alderman “There is always a need for intoxication: China has opium, Islam has hashish, the West has woman.”

It appears that Terry O'Brien will get the vote of many, many Cook County voters - nevertheless! Alas, as Andre Gide might offer!

As Mike Houlihan pointed out -

O’Brien has served as President of the Metropolitan Water Reclamation District of Greater Chicago, (MWRDGC), for 13 years and has served on the board of Commissioners for 21 years. He has overseen a budget in excess of $1 billion and runs one of the few government agencies in the State of Illinois to have an AAA bond rating from all three bond rating agencies.
O’Brien boasts of a “professional workforce”, because his employees are “hired for what they know and not who they know! They are required to take exams!”
Exams for public employees? Now that’s an idea that should strike fear into the heart of every loafer who ever picked up a paycheck from the county payroll. Maybe we should start holding exams for public office.
If an administrative exam were given for President of the Cook County Board could all the candidates pass? Would they ask to be graded on a curve? And who in the world would be grading these exams? Hopefully it wouldn’t be Todd Stroger’s cousin.
If Terry O’Brien can get his message out to all Cook County voters we might actually turn the corner on the ineptitude of the last few years. O’Brien represents the best opportunity for greater financial accountability and real leadership for the Cook County Board. He says, “I want to do for Cook County what I have done for the Water Reclamation District.”
It sure would be nice to wake up some morning next year and know that there is a professional in charge. If the electorate has the opportunity to learn more about Terry O'Brien, Cook County's days of misery may soon be over. Let's hope so.

Nevertheless the heady words of earnest activist polemicist Malraux popped out from my discourse - " Smash let me offer this from Malraux, 'The great mystery is not that we should have been thrown down here at random between the profusion of matter and that of the stars; it is that from our very prison we should draw, from our own selves, images powerful enough to deny our nothingness.'"

To which pipe-coverer McKenna cocked an eye-brow and rejoined, ” You poor simple Sonavabitch Hickey, it is not the need to feel proletarian that smokes our meats, but the “will” to be prolertarian – Toni Preckwinkle falls down manholes and your Little Flower cravat is in my Smithwicks.”

Skinny & Houli Show on WNTD Radio 950AM - Wednesdays from 6-8 PM Starting 11/11/09

Coming Wednesday Night November 11th

The Premiere of the Skinny & Houli Show!

And none too soon! Voices made for Relevant Radio, James "Skinny" Sheahan and Mike "Houli" Houlihan will be heard - loud and clear - these gents are no NPR Hush Talkers. Skinny and Houli have something to say and invite people to share in what they have to say.

On WNTD Radio 950AMStarring Skinny Sheahan & Mike Houlihan

Join us from 6-8PM for two hours of rollicking fun as we chew the fat and shoot the breeze with Chicago's All-Stars, the real heroes, 'da people of our city! Featuring our special guest spotlight, listener call-ins, and OUR recap of the week in the windy city.

The Skinny & Houli Show
Every Wednesday from 6-8PM
WNTD 950 AM
Don't Miss It

I have WOW Cable - 88 channels and there ain't nothing on TV! Let's get back to real radio days!

Finally, Radio you can actually hear!

Guinness at 250! Tom Jones Shares a Pint of Plain with the Planet!

Guinness*, when I was a stripling, was swallowed by the Turkey Birds - F.B.I. -Foreign Born Irish - Two Boaters, Salt Water Irish - in my neighborhood. That meant the saloons where Kerrymen, Corkwegians, Sons of Mayo, Galway Culchies and Tipperarymen took the black bottled stuff with the harp on the label to wash down the shooters of Paddy and John Powers Irish Whiskey.

On 79th Street those saloons usually meant Hanley's House of Happiness or the Mayfair West. On 63rd Street it might be at TJ Daly's Blarney Stone, The Gaslight, Mary Coffey's California Tap, Mike Doorhy's, the Hibernian Hall ( JFK Post) or Lyons' Pub. Guinness came only in bottles back in the 1950's, '60's and it was only in the 1970's draft Guinness hit the Chicago pavements -coming and going.

My Dad and all my uncles drank Drewey's, Hamms, Schlitz and Atlas Prager beers to go with their 'bumps' of Calverts, Sunnybrook, Canadian Club, and Seagram's 7 whiskies at places like Louis Kotecki's, Funks, the Mirror Lounge, B & H's, Shannon's, Mel Collins' Sea-Breeze, Castos, Billy Ellis's Wooden House on 79th & Ashland. They and their neighbors were Americans - veterans of WW II, union men, Peoples Gas officers, Chicago cops and foremen, Park District coppers, Catholic League teachers and coaches and City workers. Though Irish American they did not drink with their cousins from off the boat.

"Guinness? That crap would gag a maggot. Tastes like Australian butter." were the general opinions of the first generation Americans of Irish descent who avoided the Ceili's at Cannon Hall and the 'buckets of blood' where the Salt Water Harps tossed one another through windows, doors and at times into the arms of St. Peter.

I had my first taste of Guinness in the basement of Grandpa Hickey's basement when I was in 5th or 6th grade. I was offered the black beer by one of the Kerry musicians who played traditional jigs, reels, horn-pipes and polkas with my grandfather.

I thought the stuff was great. I did not get another swallow of the stuff until I tended bar on the Irish Strip -63rd Street between Pulaski and Damen in the 1970's.

In words of the Chicago Renaissance Man and Discerning Pintman Mike Houlihan - "I got me a touch of the Irish Arthritis - I get stiff in a different joint every night!"

It is wonderful.

Ireland celebrated the 250 years of Guinness and had no less a pintsman than Welsh genius Tom Jones lift the black glass! Croi follain agus gob fliuch!

Ta Breiss Agus Fiuntas In Guinnesss! Slainte!


*MY GOODNESS, my Guinness, what a party. As birthdays go, yesterday’s celebration of 250 years of Ireland’s most famous export was brash and bold, as big and global as the brand itself.

You sense Arthur Guinness, the man whose ambition started it all in 1759, would have approved. The pint of plain got the expected rousing toast from thousands of VIPs who gathered in the St James’s Gate brewery in Dublin last night to mark the day.

Click my post title for the Full Pint!

Four Wisconsin Women Offer That Trust is Not "The Krazy Glue" of Love

“The best proof of love is trust.” Dr. Joyce Brothers

"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence.”
T.S. Eliot quotes (American born English

"I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken - and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived. " Margaret Mitchell

"What is a kiss? Why this, as some approve: The sure, sweet cement, glue, and lime of love." Robert Herrick

Four Lovelies in Wisconsin, with the strings of their tender hearts ripped from the Lute of Love by a loathsome Lothario, Krazy-glued the Chedderhead's Johnsonville to his gut.

A sticky case of revenge unfolded last week in a Wisconsin motel after a woman discovered her husband was cheating and invited three other scorned lovers to settle the score -- with Krazy Glue.

The 36-year-old Lothario was carrying on with all of them before his wife figured it out and notified the others, according to a criminal complaint filed in Calumet County, Wis., in a town about 90 miles north of Milwaukee.

"We had a plan," one of the women, Therese Ziemann, 48, told an investigator, according to court records.

Ziemann lured the man to a Stockbridge hotel Thursday, promising a "rub down," the complaint says. He was blindfolded and tied to a bed. Then Ziemann text-messaged the other three women, including the man's wife, who joined her in the room.

After the victim was threatened with mace, punched in the face and taunted, the mischief moved south.

Ziemann glued a sensitive body part to his stomach, according to the complaint.

The women, including Michelle Belliveau, fled when the man started yelling. All were later charged with false imprisonment. Ziemann also faces charges of fourth-degree sexual assault and misdemeanor battery. The wife was not named to protect the man's identity.

The man was treated and released at a hospital, said Calumet County District Atty. Kenneth Kratz, who otherwise declined comment.

-- Lisa Black

As always, do click my post title for the fine report on this Love Yarn from Chicago Tribune.

However, this Bartlett's moment on Trust & Love in Wisconsin needs the recent offering of Chicago Renaissance Man and Captain of the Sweeter Sciences Mike Houlihan, from Irish American News, to fully understand this touching episode's sordid impact on us all who sojourn among those from the Dairy State:

There are a few mysteries I’d like the folks in Wisconsin to clarify. What’s with the cheese and porno shops all over the interstate? Guy is driving to Wisconsin and his pal says. “Hey, while you’re there pick me up a half pound of Colby, some night crawlers and the August issue of Juggs.”

I’ve been told that many Sapphic romances start at the University of Wisconsin when gal pals are out partying. “Hold my hair back Hanna, I’ve had twelve brews and I’m gonna hurl!”

And what’s the deal with everybody in Wisconsin wearing t-shirts with “clever” sayings imprinted on them? Wouldn’t it be easier for the state to just order about two million XXXXXXXL t shirts that say, “I’m with stupid!”

Thus Love Lanquishes Farve, Farve Away!

http://www.irishamericannews.com/index.php/people/social-circle/733-hooliganism-july-2009

McCourt's Confession forgot St. Vincent De Paul Society

Tavis: If you were a preacher, what do you think your message might be? What would you be coming back to time and time again?

McCourt: Freedom. Well, you can't do that because a religion by its very nature binds you in. It has its parameters or perimeters so you have to follow a certain doctrine. So I'd call myself an atheist in a way - a spiritual, religious atheist, which is a contradiction in terms.

Tavis: Yeah, I hear you.

November 2007

http://www.pbs.org/kcet/tavissmiley/archive/200711/20071128_mccourt.html

Writer Frank McCourt, author of Angela's Ashes died yesterday. I was told of McCourt's worsening condition by the man who directed and produced Frank and Malachy McCourt's career making play A Couple of Blackguards
here in Chicago.

Writer, film maker, actor and wit, Mike Houlihan directed the McCourts during the early 1980's in that play. It really put both men on the map here in Chicago and on Broadway.

Mike Houlihan's long-running and hilarious Chicago tour-de-force Going East on Ashland was the nub of his Thursday night show at Jack Desmond's Pub, in Chicago Ridge last Thursday. After his show, Jazz singer Terry Sullivan, boxing promoter lawyer Mike Joyce and I chatted with Houli. Terry raises money for inner city kids who want an education in a value based environment -Midtown Education Center. Mike Joyce, a lawyer, teaches and coaches boxing to inner city kids here at Leo High School and through Illinois Crime Commission. They are Catholics doing good.
Frank McCourt said goodbye to his Catholic Faith, but used it for his work. Mike Houlihan recounted the news that Mr. McCourt was near death.

"Frank McCourt's in pretty bad shape. I talked to Chris Hart ( son of Moss Hart and Kitty Carlyle who directed Going East on Ashland) and he said that Frank is about done," said the gifted Chicagoan. Mike talked about his time with the McCourt Brothers and the success of Frank McCourt. " McCourt said he was an atheist. I never could get my head around that. For all the ugliness in McCourt's book, remember that it was the St. Vincent DePaul Society that kept Angela and her kids from starvation, while the old man boozed it up," Houlihan offered.

Catholics and Faith in God are not so bad, unless your memory is selective.

The St. Vincent De Paul Society is not a Government agency. It is a charitable act of grace funded by Catholics and friends to help the poor in their most difficult times here on earth. Jewish, Lutheran and Dutch Reformed have similar charter groups making direct help to families. They too are the real Faith-vased initiatives and not adjuncts of big government.

Frank McCourt's passing is sad. He was a talented man. He is now meeting the Trinity that bitterness and sadness allowed McCourt to deny.

While we're here. Let's help Angela and her kids. St. Vincent DePaul Society here in Chicago gets things done. Click my post title for the link to that great work.

Prayer of the Vincentian Family

Lord Jesus, you who willed to become poor,
give us eyes and a heart directed toward the poor;
help us recognize you in them --
in their thirst, their hunger, their loneliness, and their misfortune.

Enkindle within our Vincentian Family
unity, simplicity, humility,
and the fire of love
that burned in St. Vincent de Paul

Strengthen us, so that faithful to the practice of these virtues,
we may contemplate you and serve you in the person of the poor,
and may one day be united with you and them in your Kingdom.

Amen.

Catch "Kid Houlihan" Tonight! Jack Desmond's Pub 6 P.M. Sharp! Not 6:20 Get Me?

As a child he rarely washed his hands, but did exhibit an early interest in literature...His mother would replace the Playboy magazines she found under his mattress with holy cards...which resulted in a Pavlovian response whenever the lad opened a prayer book.

Chicago Renaissance Man Mike Houlihan brings his 2009 Stimulus Package to the South Side!

1. Mental Health Reform - A Serious Case Study

2. A Woman's Right to Choose - any number of gents with pints in their mitts and mortal sins the size of Wyoming

3. Energy Independence - depending upon how tired the start of the week made you feel

Join Houli this Thursday night (July 16) at

Jack Desmond's Irish Pub in Chicago Ridge at

6pm, 10339 South Ridgeland, for some stand-up comedy and more hooliganism!

Keep up with Mike writing for The Irish American News
http://irishamericannews.com/index.php/people/social-circle/733-hooliganism-july-2009

The bartender listened to the old carney all night complaining about his crappy job.
What line of work are you in, pal?
I follow the elephants in the parade with my shovel.
Ever think about quitting?
What? And give up show business!

Houli is Back - Writing on Cook County: Mike Houlihan's Cook County Buzz at the Examiner

Chicago Renaissance Man, writer, film director, actor and political prognosticator Michael Houlihan is writing and mentor, long-time Chicago News legend, Jim Strong giving sound journalistic advice, at the Chicago Examiner! Recent Forbes Magazine profile subject ( 31st Wealthiest Man Around) Philip Anschutz is the publisher of The Examiner chain.

Mike's monthly Hooliganism for the Irish American News is no where near enough blue collar value point of view for a Metropolitan Area living in a veritable Honesty Desert. With Houlihan there is -No Nuance, No Parsing, No Smarm ( south side culture allows No Smarm - only hot-blooded invective, malediction and blasphemy) and No Group Think Whining that the Pencil Neck Progressives offer. Thus, " We were ALL of Us made better people the day Michael Jackson decided to become Diana Ross - all of us!"

Now, the Chicago Examiner provides writers like Mike Houlihan to present the unvarnished and un-PC truths to readers, wasting away to intellectual nothingness for lack of solid opinion fiber. Houli got Fiber, Y'all!

Houli is fiber rich and chock full of the real McCoy. Here's a taste of Houli's declamation on Goo-Goos ( Good Government Progressive Feebs in Creeps Clothing):

Many goo-goo’s in Cook County are Democrats, but they chafe at the reputation of their party. They elected Blago, but won’t admit it. They love Governor Pat Quinn for his record as a goo-goo, but they reserve disdain for Daley.

Goo-goo’s are so much more than simple good government people; they are patronizing peddlers of pabulum. Like Zorn in the Tribune, Carol Marin in the Sun-Times, or that brilliant seasoned journalist Katie Couric who so intellectually took Sarah Palin to task on what magazines she read during the campaign.

Goo-goo’s belong to Planned Parenthood and PETA and the “Society for the Prevention of Jimmy Pushing Johnny Out of Line”.

Goo-goo’s believe that our new President walks on water and if we don’t see it we are racist luddites.

Goo-goo’s fear Palin more than Putin, Ahmadinejad, Kim Jong Il, and the Pope. She’s the antithesis of the goo-goo worldview, and she just might get elected President someday. That’s what scares them more than anything.

Chicago thanks the Examiner.Com for the return of sense to scene. Houli will be an imporant part of my great breakfast!

Ben Stein,Mensch- UnDamaged by Celebrity and Touched With Humanity

This is a full text of Ben Stein's Last column Monday Nights at Mortons a glimpse at celebrity lifestyles in Hollywood.

Ben Stein, like my pals Mike Houlihan, Tom Roeser, Elias Crim, Steve Rhodes, John Powers and Max Weismann, is a Renaissance Man. Mr. Stein is a film maker, comic, wit, economist, professor and political analyst. More importantly, Mr. Stein is a Mensch* - a human being to the backbone! Read this fine analysis of fame, fortune and fraility.

Huge Hat Tip to Leo Hero - Robert Hylard ( Leo '44):

How Can Someone Who Lives in Insane Luxury Be a Star in Today's World?

As I begin to write this, I 'slug' it, as we writers say, which means I put a heading on top of the document to identify it. This heading is 'eonlineFINAL,' and it gives me a shiver to write it. I have been doing this column for so long that I cannot even recall when I started. I loved writing this column so much for so long I came to believe it would never end.

It worked well for a long time, but gradually, my changing as a person and the world's change have overtaken it. On a small scale, Morton's, while better than ever, no longer attracts as many stars as it used to. It still brings in the rich people in droves and definitely some stars. I saw Samuel L. Jackson there a few days ago, and we had a nice visit, and right before that, I saw and had a splendid talk with Warren Beatty in an elevator, in which we agreed that Splendor in the Grass was a super movie. But Morton's is not the star galaxy it once was, though it probably will be again.

Beyond that, a bigger change has happened.
I no longer think Hollywood stars are terribly important. They are uniformly pleasant, friendly people, and they treat me better than I deserve to be treated. But a man or woman who makes a huge wage for memorizing lines and reciting them in front of a camera is no longer my idea of a shining star we should all look up to.

How can a man or woman who makes an eight-figure wage and lives in insane luxury really be a star in today's world, if by a 'star' we mean someone bright and powerful and attractive as a role model? Real stars are not riding around in the backs of limousines or in Porsches or getting trained in yoga or Pilates and eating only raw fruit while they have Vietnamese girls do their nails.

They can be interesting, nice people, but they are not heroes to me any longer. A real star is the soldier of the 4th Infantry Division who poked his head into a hole on a farm near Tikrit , Iraq . He could have been met by a bomb or a hail of AK-47 bullets. Instead, he faced an abject Saddam Hussein and the gratitude of all of the decent people of the world.

A real star is the U.S. soldier who was sent to disarm a bomb next to a road north of Baghdad . He approached it, and the bomb went off and killed him.

A real star, the kind who haunts my memory night and day, is the U.S. soldier in Baghdad who saw a little girl playing with a piece of unexploded ordinance on a street near where he was guarding a station. He pushed her aside and threw himself on it just as it exploded. He left a family desolate in California and a little girl alive in Baghdad .

The stars who deserve media attention are not the ones who have lavish weddings on TV but the ones who patrol the streets of Mosul even after two of their buddies were murdered and their bodies battered and stripped for the sin of trying to protect Iraqis from terrorists.

We put couples with incomes of $100 million a year on the covers of our magazines. The noncoms and officers who barely scrape by on military pay but stand on guard in Afghanistan and Iraq and on ships and in submarines and near the Arctic Circle are anonymous as they live and die.

I am no longer co mfortable being a part of the system that has such poor values, and I do not want to perpetuate those values by pretending that who is eating at Morton's is a big subject.

There are plenty of other stars in the American firmament...the policemen and women who go off on patrol in South Central and have no idea if they will return alive; the orderlies and paramedics who bring in people who have been in terrible accidents and prepare them for surgery; the teachers and nurses who throw their whole spirits into caring for autistic children; the kind men and women who work in hospices and in cancer wards.

Think of each and every fireman who was running up the stairs at the World Trade Center as the towers began to collapse. Now you have my idea of a real hero.

I came to realize that life lived to help others is the only one that matters. This is my highest and best use as a human. I can put it another way. Years ago, I realized I could never be as great an actor as Olivier or as good a comic as Steve Martin...or Martin Mull or Fred Willard--or as good an economist as Samuelson or Friedman or as good a writer as Fitzgerald. Or even remotely close to any of them.

But I could be a devoted father to my son, husband to my wife and, above all, a good son to the parents who had done so much for me. This came to be my main task in life. I did it moderately well with my son, pretty well with my wife and well indeed with my parents (with my sister's help). I cared for and paid attention to them in their declining years. I stayed with my father as he got sick, went into extremis and then into a coma and then entered immortality with my sister and me reading him the Psalms.

This was the only point at which my life touched the lives of the soldiers in Iraq or the firefighters in New York . I came to realize that life lived to help others is the only one that matters and that it is my duty, in return for the lavish life God has devolved upon me, to help others He has placed in my path. This is my highest and best use as a human.


Faith is not believing that God can.
It is knowing that God will.
By Ben Stein

* "Reason in man is rather like God in the world."- St. Thomas Aquinas

Click my post title for Ben's House!

Mike Houlihan's Cross-town Classic for the Special Olympics at Bourbon Street -Sunday -June 28th -Noon to 4PM

STEP UP TO THE PLATE FOR SPECIAL OLYMPICS

Houli's pitching his best-selling book and donating a chunk of the proceeds to Special Olympics this Sunday at Bourbon Street.


Crosstown Challenge, Sox vs. Cubs

Sunday, June 28th
Noon to 4PMBourbon Street, 3359 W. 115th Street

Here's what Real Americans can do -
1. Show Yourself! Crack open the wallet and your $25 goes to Special Olympics and gets you food & booze

2. Watch the game!

3. Meet Southside wackos!

4. Laugh!

5. Cry when your team tanks!

6. Spring some dough for the Special Olympics!

There's-Raffles, silent auction, & more.

7. Mingle -Hot chicks, fat guys!

Now this last item causes me more than concern!
8. "Get lucky with local slut Finoola Hooligan!" - is this gambit to unload a cousin who should have 'taken the vail' Houli?????

Valet Parking available - So bring your Valet, too!

See you Sunday!

Friday Night Feature With Mike Houlihan -Tapioca at Beverly Arts Center May 22nd

'I took my gal to the picture shows and pleasure I was seekin'/I went for her mouth, but kissed her nose and the Goddam thing was Leakin'!'

The art of the Friday Night Show with your best honey is lost on America, given the sorry state of CinaPlex Movie Ikeas. However, you and your Steady Betty can link arms and glide to the Beverly Arts Center and thrill to Renaissance Man Mike Houlihan's Comic Opus Tapioca.

Beverly Arts Center
2407 W. 111th St.
Chicago, IL 60655
773-445-3838
www.beverlyartcenter.org

Contact: Grace Kuikman, 773-213-7531 or grace@beverlyartcenter.org

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Beverly Art Center to Screen Mike Houlihan's Indie Film 'Tapioca'

(CHICAGO, Apr. 29, 2009) -- Emmy and Tony Award winner Ben Vereen and Saturday Night Live alum Tim Kazurinsky headline a Chicago cast of comic characters in Mike Houlihan's independent feature film "Tapioca," screening at the Beverly Arts Center, 2407 W. 111th St., Chicago, on Friday, May 22, 8 p.m.
The film also features Second City veterans Greg Hollimon, Jimmy Carrane, David Pasquesi, as well as the entire Houlihan family. The screening marks a homecoming for many of the cast members. Back in March of 2004 the Houlihans presented their "sketch comedy experiment" on stage at the Beverly Arts Center. "The stage show was the mustard seed which became this independent feature film," Houlihan said. Most of the performers from the show have roles in the film.
"Tapioca" the movie premiered in Park City, Utah during the 2008 Sundance Film Festival and was also screened at the Texas Black Film Festival, First Take Film Fest, and The Other Venice Film Festival. It won "Best Feature Film" at the Geneva Film Festival.
The film features an original score by Chicago jazz composer Ryan Cohan, with additional music from Gospel legends Lena McLin and Otis Clay, as well as cartoons by Chicago Sun-Times Pulitzer Prize-winning political cartoonist Jack Higgins.
Titled for the Chicago slang for being broke, "Tapioca" tells the story of Pipes McGonnigle (Mike Houlihan), a bigoted blowhard who makes the mistake of abusing a Streetwise vendor named Nuts (Ben Vereen). Nuts puts a hex on Pipes, rendering him homeless and turning his world upside down.
Local performers featured in the film include comedians Paul Kelly and Bill Brady, John Spellman, Frank Moran, and rapper E.J. Hott. The film was shot at locations around the south side including the Cork & Kerry Tavern, St. Margaret of Scotland Church and the Barrel of Laughs comedy club.
Tickets for the May 22, 8 p.m. BAC screening of "Tapioca" are $7 ($5 for Beverly Arts Center members). Cast members will be on hand for discussion and a reception after screening. For tickets call the BAC box office, 773-445-3838.


For more information visit www.TapiocaTheMovie.com or www.mikehoulihan.com.

Get on the Mike Houlihan Holiday Highway!

Chicago Renaissance Man Mike Houlihan is all over the Town - bringing Joy to Child-like Male of Arrested Development and 16 Year Old Instincts like your Humbel Servant.

Get thee to Houli! Anon! With dispatch! All Due Haste! Immediately -if not sooner!

Get the Author's John Henry with a copy of Hooliganism:
Hooliganism

Book Summary

Buy the Book Now! HOOLIGANISM is an anthology of Mike Houlihan’s best columns from The Irish American News, with additional material from the Chicago Tribune Magazine, and Chicago Public Radio. This book captures the best stories from one of Irish America’s funniest raconteurs. Houlihan takes the reader on a picaresque journey as he recounts his travels in show biz as a Shakespearian clown; his days as proprietor of The Hooley-Dooley, an Irish gin mill in Rockaway Beach, NY; his adventures as a theatre and film producer chasing investors; memories of growing up Irish-Catholic on the south side of Chicago; and his day to day tightrope walk as an itinerant actor, father, and husband. Hooliganism also revisits and reinvents several Irish American urban myths and fables featuring a stock company of rogues, scoundrels, and boozers. Funny stuff in ten-minute installments.

Filled with Irish jokes, anecdotes, and preposterous tales, this book is like enjoying a pint of your favorite stout. If you read the whole thing in one sitting you’ll be drunk with laughter. Best to take it slow, one at a time and savor the enjoyment, chuckles, and eccentric wit of Mike Houlihan. The anthology covers the very best of Mike’s stories from 1993-2008, featuring the same friendly style that the Chicago Tribune called, “A natural storyteller’s flair.” The Wednesday Journal said, “Mike Houlihan has been telling stories for a long time…on Broadway, in feature films and on TV.” For six years Mike Houlihan sold out theatres with his one man comic memoir of growing up Irish, GOIN’ EAST ON ASHLAND. Now that same genie has been released from the bottle into this book.

Mike Houlihan is a former features columnist for the Chicago Sun-Times. He began writing the “Hooliganism” column in the Irish American News in 1996 and has since become the comic mainstay for the newspaper. Mike’s no holds barred take on life has entertained as well as outraged readers of the Irish newspaper. Mike began his career as an actor and then writer of plays and films. His memories of growing up as the seventh child in an Irish American Catholic family on the south side of Chicago and his wickedly wacky imagination create an alchemy of funny stories. The Sun-Times said, “Fasten your seatbelts… it’s terrific entertainment. The blarney-blessed author is Chicago’s largest and loudest leprechaun with a universal, nostalgic appeal. He grabs his audience ina warm bear hug and never let’s go.” The Daily Southtown agreed, “Houlilhan’s stories will keep many Irish eyes smiling!

December's Hooliganism Schedule of Events
Meet Mike Houlihan and enjoy this holiday season with some cheer and
the book Hooliganism at these following locations.

Sunday, Dec. 7th, 2:00 PM
Irish American Heritage Center
4626 North Knox
Chicago, IL
773-282-7035

Wed. Dec. 10th. 7-9 PM
Claddagh Ring Pub
2306 West Foster
Chicago
773-271-4794

Sunday, Dec. 14th,
Gaelic Park
6119 W. 147th Street, Oak Forest
Immediately following 10AM mass & breakfast
708-687-9323

Additional Dates to Come.



Contact us for further infromation on upcoming events.
phone: 312-431-8700

Tapioca Tonght! Mike Houlihan's Movie at Gene Siskel Center: 8:00 P.M!

See Houli's Tapioca At

GENE SISKEL CENTER

164 North State Street
Chicago, Illinois 60601
Tel: 312-846-2600
MOVIE HOTLINE: 312-846-2800


Located on State Street between Randolph and Lake streets, the Film Center is approximately one block from all CTA "L" and subway lines, as well as several major bus routes.

Mike Houlihan's Tapioca -The Movie! at First Take Film Festival in Augusta, GA!

Chicago's south side Pride and Own - Mike Houlihan, wit, actor, writer, director, producer, boulevardier, John McCain Backer, free-spender, serial philanthropist, pugilist, patron of the arts,boulevardier, numismatist, and gum arabic Connoisseur announces

Hi Everybody


Our independent feature film, Tapioca, starring Ben Vereen & Tim
Kazurinsky, has been invited to screen at the First Take Film Festival
in Augusta, Georgia from April 8-12th. That's the same week as the
Masters Golf Tournament at Butler National. Is that cool or what! Come
with us! We'd love to have all Chicago pals come to Augusta for the
screening. Check out the festival at
http://www.firsttakefilmfestival.com. Also our website,
www.TapiocaTheMovie.com.

See you in Augusta, the A-U-G!
Mike Houlihan

Mike Houlihan and the Files of the Cleek Club: Gordon Pasha, Islam, Teddy Bears and Olde English 40's

'Gordon! Drop the Bear! Name Him for the Prophet, Infidel? - Try This Needle Point, Mr. Eminent Victorian!'



KHARTOUM, Sudan - A British teacher jailed for letting her students name a teddy bear Muhammad as part of writing project headed home Monday after being pardoned -- ending a case that set off an international outcry and angered many moderate Muslims.

The incident was the latest in a tense relationship between the West and Sudanese President Omar al-Bashir, an Islamic hard-liner who has been accused by the United Nations of dragging his feet on the deployment of peacekeepers to the country's war-torn Darfur region.

Chicago Tribune 12/03/07

Among the Doric Columns of Chicago's Newest Club, Renaissance Man Mike Houlihan explains International history and Morality to Journeyman Reader Pat Hickey - no mean task that: ( hushed quietude erupted by outraged incredulity!)

'Bugger Birkenhead, Houli! The papers resound with cries of Gordon's Ghost - the good man kebobed in defense of the Khedive of Egypt.'

'Hickey, Old Sod, Lytton Strachey and your devotion to old Bill Thackeray's son-in-law not withstanding, the truth of the matter is that Pasha 'Chinese' Gordon was guilty of the exact same crime as the plump,toothy Brit spinster - (you are yet a widower, Hickey? , never mind )- about to British Airways her way back to Old Blightey as we wheeze here in our New Club - The Cleek of Chicago, Worthington! another Olde English - on my chit - Cheers.'*

'Houlihan, you mean to say that this chubby do-gooder -tendering McGuffey's Reader to the Fuzzy -Wuzzies in the Sudan - is merely another Brit to incur the ire of Islam?'

'Quite. You see, Old Man, Gordon, like most Britons, would slaughter Wogs and Paddies with aplomb and delight all day long, but once Apollo's Orb dipped past the earth's golden sleeve - prosing too purple, am I ?'


'Prose On,do!'

'Once the infernal day ends a Brit likes nothing better than to clutch and snuggle with a plush toy animal - a Plush Bear - termed Teddy here in the emancipated Colonies. You see, Gordon, as a Professional Soldier and Amateur Humanist, liked a good Pet Snuggle along with a whacking good read of Holy Writ over the slaughtered bones of Heathen Chinese caught in Britain's Opium Trade and the Fuzzy Wuzzie's of the languishing Slave Trade; thus Gordon's presence in the Sudan. He had a stuffed bear named Mohammad that he carried with him through China and later in the Sudan. In China, he termed his dear pet Chinkey Freedman, much to the scowls of the pig-tailed Heathen, but once in the Sudan - Mohammad. You see, Hickey, Old Inflamed Colon, Gordon's naming of his pet is what stirred the ire of the Mahdi; brought on the Siege of Khartoum; bankrupted the Gladstone Government; and ultimately chucked the lumber through Gordon's pump. Lessons of History, My Boy, Lessons of Life.'

'Amazing Houli!'

'Quite!'

'Your Chinos are smoking, Old Man!'

'WORTHINGTON! Another 40! Pronto!'

* An earlier Post recounted the low blackguarding of Mike Houlihan by the snobs of the Union League Club - on response Mike founded the Cleek of Chicago - the Driver of the City:Mashies, Rakes and Niblicks are for smaller souls. The Cleek of Chicago is Big, Big Club!

http://hickeysite.blogspot.com/2007/11/chicagos-club-of-unclubable.html

Chicago's Club of the UnClubbable

Above - Mycroft Holmes - Below Mike Houlihan in manly Pre-Labor Day Panama tan suit gives a stern temperance lecture to an obviously clubbable and reed thin chap at a charitable event. Absent from this charitable event were members of Chicago's Union League Club.


Mycroft and Sherlock Holmes, the talented and cerebral sons of Bob and Tess Holmes, coal carters from Yorkshire, remind me of Mike Houlihan: Like Mycroft, Mike Houlihan is cerebral, philosophical and poetic:Mike Houlihan - Author, Actor, Playwright, Film Director, Columnist, Patriot, Wit, Gadabout, Free-Spender, Arch-Goodguy, Pugilist, Censor.

Like Mycroft given to deep thought to the point of ennui:

...he has no ambition and no energy. He will not even go out of his way to verify his own solutions, and would rather be considered wrong than take the trouble to prove himself right. Again and again I have taken a problem to him, and have received an explanation which has afterwards proved to be the correct one. And yet he was absolutely incapable of working out the practical points...

– Sherlock Holmes, speaking of his brother in "The Adventure of the Greek Interpreter"

From our friends at Wikpedia

And yet like Sherlock (- Ratiocinator extraordinaire, dope fiend, tobacconist, actor par excellence, musician, grifter, and wower of hot chicks) a man of the world, .

Houli is a complex man of universal tastes and inclinations - at once private and thoughtful and concurrently a Rabelaisian Rounder of the First Order.

Mike Houlihan,an 18th Century man of Johnsonian ( Samuel Johnson ) exertions and talents trapped in a faux-Edwardian world of stuffed shirts and phonies.

Houli got clubbed by the membership committee of the Union League Club - a dusty and pretentious convention center for low-brows with American Express Gold Cards. He was deemed 'unclubbale' - to use Dr. Johnson's 18th Century coinage. His heartache cried up to dry our eyes from the pulpy pages of Cliff Carlson's Irish American Magazine and made them moist with brotherly understanding - Page 28 - click my post title for the link:

Here is a poignant passage:

Of course I’m happy now that I
couldn’t join their club. Who wants
to go where they’re not wanted? But
these schmucks wouldn’t even put it in
writing, no letter, just the word passed
on to me, “Sorry you’re not our kind
darling.”
It’s all for the best. I couldn’t afford
it now anyway. However I would suggest
they remove the word “Chicago”
from their moniker at the Union League
Club. As Eddie Vrdolyak once said, “In
Chicago, we don’t stab you in the back,
we stab you in the front!” Well not
these guys.
So I will take pride in their snub and
remember my mother’s words “the bitter
lesson is best taught”. It’s what I got for
sticking my nose into a wasps nest.
Of course I forgive them and even
though I may announce to the world that
the Union League Club can kiss my fat
Irish ass, I’m actually, in my own way,
just turning the other cheek

Christian Gentleman to the backbone!

Houli, My Dear Fellow, a man of your expanded worth should not be confined, much less defined by a membership. You do more in a day than most of the Union League Club's overpaid ambulance chasers in two-tone broadcloth $400 shirts do a lifetime.

Who was it that said 'Study everything; join nothing?'

Mike Houlihan's Giant's eyes take in the cant and hypocrisy of our world right here in Chicago. This man is not Clubbable? Pish Posh!

Houli, enact a Club without Walls; found an Association without a Membership Committee. Make it an open membership to whomever you have the grace with whom you deign to congress.

To the phonies, snobs, louts, boors, tightwads - you might be unclubbable.