Check, Please ? I Think Not. The Epic Crime of Dine and Dash Should be on Public Television

We are soooo not paying!

Instead of self-absorbed, affluent and very transient Urban Foodies( Like these mimosa sucking cretins below) and scions of old Kenya who sleep in the White House, Chicago's own public television should produce a show with real bust-outs, louts, rum-pots and deadbeats from the Rainbow of Gender who beat the check. 

I have watched Check, Please on PBS ( WTTW - Wilmette Talking to Winnetka) whenever the paint had dried, or the grass had yet to rise above my thick and manly calf and been thoroughly repulsed by smarmy, self-important, thumb-dummy handlers of I-phones who send back orders and sniff Mogan David and Chateauneuf du Pape with matching contempt and yet complain that " This beer is nowhere near Hoppy Enough!"  Every time I watch PBS programming I get that old feeling. That now is the time for the all-too-human rubber band that holds our sanity together to go boink and then grab the Bowie knife, my sling shot and burlap bag full of ball bearings( I hate guns) and go hunting for Urban Adventurers in Lincoln Park, Lincoln Square and only a small sections of Logan Square and  Hyde Park as well as portions my own neighboring Beverly.  Wicker Park, Ukrainian Village are populated by young, hip and generally cynical young 'uns who can't stand PBS/WTTW either. Closer to home folks in Morgan Park, Mount Greenwood and all of Black Chicago seem populated with patriots and people of prayerful good sense.

I would love to see Dine and Dash Chicago.  Just recently the Northwest Indiana Times reported on a Chicago Cub Jersey festooned . . .(what's the word I am looking for . . .wait, wait; don't tell me) . . .lummox who beat Buffalo Wild Wings of Porter out of a ound personal gorging  and guzzling that totaled a little more than Half a Yard.

PORTAGE | Police are seeking the public's help identifying a suspect in multiple dine-and-dash incidents.
Police on Thursday released a photo of a man they said failed to pay his bill Aug. 13 at Buffalo Wild Wings, 6530 U.S. 6.
Police said he failed to pay for $51.67 worth of food and drinks.
Police said the man in the photo wearing a Cubs jersey has used the name Terry at the restaurant.Anyone with information is asked to contact Detective Cpl. Ted Uzelac at (219) 764-5707.

Imagine, a thirty minutes long weekly docu-drama with real people empaneled to present and discus their experiences of cheating bartenders, waiters, waitresses and restaurant owners out of tips and purchases!

Our host could be a toothsome young gusher from Lincoln Park who would chirp. 'Tonight,  we, . . . Ah,. . . some random, Ah, . . . You now Okay dashers.  Tim originally from MacMansionland Naperville and now stays in McKinley Park will tell us about beating the check at Tufano's Vernon Park Tap.  Tim, you, ah, just got of Ok, . . .Illinois Rehab . . .but had a Um great meal?  Right? "

Tim,  a soul patched and tattooed Occupy Chicago veteran and  hipster living in McKinley Park, because Bridgeport is so 2010, is wearing a colorful and thick Heavy wool Toque and 'I Love Spam' t-shirt under and open flannel ginoormous-checked shirt, replies" It was, So kind.  I started with eight Blue Moons at the bar, 'cuz they make you wait, and I told this old lady that I had stuff to do later and she was all like 'Sinatra waits; you wait.' whatever and this random guy like a cop says to mind my manners or he'll give a slap and I'm like 'that's harsh!' So, then the old lady says, I can sit done, but I've had seven Blue Moons and I said - "Hey I'm enjoying my cocktails." The cop-like guy, probably from Homan Square and up for going all Burge and Gitmo on me gets up and I'm like 'Okay!'  So, I get a table near these breeders and their kids which is cool, because it's always better to have a crowded place to beat the check and I get another old lady who says 'What can I get you?' and I'm like '2016 Pitchfork Passes, Granma!'  Not cool I guess but I order a bottle of Layer Cake Primitevo and the fried calamari, two orders of pizza bread and salad. Then I got the Tufano's Lemon Chicken and potatoes. Now, I'm stuffed and buzzed.  I got cannoli to go. Now, this is sweet.  I get up and pretend to go to the toilet and stand there like some old dude is like still in there and so I go stand next to cop guy at the bar, like I'm interested in the sports game hockey, or something and wave to an imaginary guy I know near the door and shout, " Dude! This place is Sweet!' and act like I'm going to shake his hand and then out the door.

Chirpy, the half-wit daughter of an Obama bundler from Evanston, squeals, " Sweet! What a total scam.  But tell us what followed."

Tim, feigns bashful, " This  huge dude parking cars grabs me and tosses me in the street and shouts that I'm like lucky this neighborhood gentrified, cuz if it had been twenty years ago at The Sisters, or the Nut House I 'd be in a sewer in pieces and then he gets all harsh-up on me and then I'm like in Illinois Rehab and a dude from Peoples Law Office files a wrongful beat-down suit against them and tells me I should score big when they get the right judge. Whatever."

Yep, that would be sweet and so 2015 Chicago.

The next guests - Alderman Proco Joe Moreno and CPS CEO Forrest Claypool.

Check, Please! New Hosts -Same Menu. How 'Bout This?

CHICAGO — After wading through hundreds of video submissions, producers for “Check, Please!” are now 17 steps closer to finding their new host.On Wednesday, the popular WTTW-Ch. 11 show posted on its website "The Round of 17" — bios, photos and videos for 17 hopefuls vying to replace longtime host Alpana Singh.
The finalists include Rochelle Trotter, wife of famed chef Charlie Trotter, and Ina Pinkney of Ina's Kitchen.

Singh announced in January she's leaving the show to focus on her River North restaurant, the Boarding House. DNAChicago 

That's nice and soooooooo WTTW.  The Concept of young, successful, urbane urbanites and their posse dining at trendy restaurants and giving a review to the clinking of wine glasses on Public Television is just so. . .  shall I say  . . . Sriracha . Check, Please! is a hit.  I believe that I can go one better.

Get four city dwelling Chicagoans, who actually grew up here from neighborhoods like Back of the Yards, Albany, Edison, Armour and Garfield Parks and Ridge, Mount Greenwood, Englewood, Clearing, Chicago Lawn, Canaryville, Edgewater and over by Midway, to go to very well-established eating joints with The Eatin' Pants On; Gulp and Carbo up and finally Bolt on the Bill!

These will needs be young adults who grew up ditching the dweebs, lame-ohs, snitches, dipwads and crybabies, by hopping fences, tossing garbage cans, climbing trees, gutters and fire-escapes. They will be adepts in cutting the urban trail: skeeching from fenders of passing cars in snowy weather, hopping freight cars, sauntering past Paddy Wagons with a wave to the cops in cab as one directs its door panel searchlights in pursuit of  ' four losers who bolted from Chris, Jim and Gust's Salonika Salon ( " Μπορείτε γαμημένο ιρλανδική κατάπιναν του πέους σας έρχονται πίσω εδώ μαλάκας και να πληρώνουν το λογαριασμό σας!) on Wentworth.'

Now the moral and ethical nature of my show ( Perhaps a casting title Dian and Dash?)- it is against the law to steal, but more so it is wrong.  Have I dined an dashed?  You bet.  Am I proud of doing so?  . . .No, but . . .it was funny as Hell. Does this mean that I am a far less than earnest person?  God I hope so! Earnest people sneer at the thought of dining and dashing, but are perfectly swell with Forrest Claypool's Ventra Pass

Forrest Claypool is very earnest.

 The Check Please panelists were and are always earnest, smug and nerdy lispers with a thick sense of self-importance and . . .just a refreshing hint of mint. .  Generally speaking, their presence at a table for a night of dining out would put me off my feed. Check it out, White Liberal!@

Now, this goof is not Hasidim, he is a JO, but very earnest and knows wine.  Take that #$%^ing hat off at the table!  Sorry,

Hey, don't get me wrong; they are probably all fabulous people with great social sense and thoroughgoing earnestness.  I hate earnestness.  Anybody else?

The Earnest will tell you what they think of you and your clothes, haircut, aftershave, political party, religion, diet, credit card, or automobile and when you find yourself either justifying, defending, or explaining yourself, the earnest person will smile knowingly,lovingly, sadly and dismissively offer a conclusive, "That is just so sad on so many levels. You are putting on weight - you'd want someone to tell you that -Don't You Think?"  You see only earnest people manage to reach adulthood without ever having had to to face the consequences of their words and deeds - they were nurtured and schooled by equally earnest, but wildly litigious parents.

Where neighborhood folks grew up and learned to settle differences between their contemporaries knowing that bandages and iodine were available to make things better, civil litigation never happened.  Earnest people avoided abrasions and slights by dint of premptivly announcing legal action.

More unwholesome however is this all too empirical fact:  Earnest people will always allow you to pick up the check and the tip, following their long descantings on the disappointing  wine,  spices, presentations and the atmosphere.  I always part from earnest people with a strong desire to kick them squarely in the nuts, or the similar apparti - gender specific.

But enough about me. . .earnest people are just tops!  Don't you think?

Anyway, how's about a show, not unlike Check Please.

Get four regular Janes and Джонs, ( John is from Ukrainian Village) and their pals to visit Miller's Pub on Wabash, Les Nomades on Ontario, Ken's on South Western and Kalbi on west Lawrence Ave.

1. Panelists and friends must eat like they have been endowed by their Creator with two A$$holes
2. Panelists and friends must not pay the tab, but, they must leave an obscene tip for the wait staff,and
    manage to get away without paying, or being fatally wounded in the process.
3.The host must be an accomplished regular guy/gal and have never hosted anything on Public Television or  
    Radio - even better must be willing to take a swing at Richard Roeper, Billy Dec, or refuse any
    opportunity to shine in their celebrated light.

Only after requesting payment from the show's producer will all costs to the visited establishments; if threatened by lawyers.  We will ask for proof positive that such folks ever visited the restaurant, chop-house, ham'negger, bistro, luncheonette, posada, roach coach, hash-house, grill, Grille, cafe, charcuterie, or brasserie and them prove it.  Nah, we'll pay up.  The owners will be paid and gladly.



The Concept: Dine and Dash -The action to go in a restaurant,sit at a table, order whatever you want, eat and then leave quick without payin.