Self-Same-Sex Marriage: At Loyola University, Advocates of Self -Same-Sex Marriage Find a Bathroom

Self-Same-sex marriage: At Loyola University, advocates of Self Same-Sex Marriage find a voice and its no longer a whisper or a moan

Yanker McAnnic -Totally Inspired By Chicago Tribune Columnist Mary Schmich!
March 28, 2009

When Polonius ( Pole) Waxer, who's 26, enrolled at Loyola University's Chicago School of Law three years ago, he went to the student activities fair looking for the Onanist/Wanker/Tosser/Meat Whistle Polisher's Support Group. There wasn't one.

The lack of an official Onanist Support Group at a Catholic school might not surprise you since the Roman Catholic church deems masturbation a sin ( The Catechism of the Catholic Church -Articles 2357-2359). But Waxer was surprised. He had come to Loyola convinced that he'd be as accepted there as he was by his Catholic grandmother in Peotone, the Will County south suburb where he grew up in the village's only basement, watching strange movies about Space Amazons and Bikers. A Lonely, Solitary man, Waxer listened to Eric Carmen, Bread and Michael Jackson songs on his I-Ped - 'Beat It!, Beat It!' 'Allll By Myself!!!!!!!!! ( One, two , three) & etc.

"I thought, OK, Get a Grip! I know I'm not the only one here, Everyone Polishes the old Bayonet! Girls do it; bees do it; even educated Fleas do it!" he said when we met on Thursday.

"Where are they?" Everywhere! But in hiding. Shame -doncha know.

He found them. They were in the bathrooms, wheelchair access approved throughout the University. That year, he and a few other Onanist students formed a group, called Boxing the Jesuit. One of the deans signed on as an adviser. 'It was Signal moment in my Academic Career - like reading Noam Chomsky or writing to Ward Churchill - He's Dreamy! I am glad that one Academic could Fist this Ordeal and Take Things in Hand!'

And on Thursday, the flat-screen TVs all over the law school were advertising the group's latest venture: a University Wide Circle Jerk 'Rambler Wrist-Off".

If Loyola were a public school, I might have deleted Waxer's e-mail about the symposium. Life is heavy with press releases, not mention Sex in the City Re-Runs and Giradelli Chocolates. But the fact that one of Chicago's Catholic institutions was opening its grand "Ceremonial Cast-Off" to Onanist advocates seemed worth some consideration.

"I think this reflects young Catholics in Chicago," said Waxer, a slender guy with short auburn hair, neatly dressed in slacks, a white shirt and a navy pullover sweater and really well defined hand, wrist and forearm muscles and really intense look to his eyes. When I arrived, he'd been reading news articles—new methods for Wrist Therapies in Whacko,Februs and Lollypops magazines.

"People in this age group, 22 to 30," he went on, "are mature, able to think things through. Like find the time place and reading material to express real love. As American Film Director Woody Allen said, "Don't knock masturbation; it's sex with someone I love."'

He doesn't mean that all young Catholics think Tossers should be allowed to marry, instead they ought to enjoy the Full Benefits of the Civil State by Marrying Themselves. Some Loyola students appear to be in denial -in Pole Waxer's first year—someone ripped the group's posters off a wall in a locker room—he's felt entirely supported at this school where crucifixes hang in the classrooms.

Waxer wasn't raised Catholic, but—"I know it sounds really schmaltzy"—Loyola feels like family. He points out that it's not just Catholic, it's run by Jesuit priests.

"The Jesuits value giving themselves a hand," he said. "They value anything thing that trendy bullies demand of a University and allow discourse on all manner of Taboo topics. If you're pro-choice or you're gay, you're someone who can add to the discussion and to the Circle of Jerkers"

And so on Friday there will be a Handsome Demonstration of Self-Love.

Greg Harris, the Chicago state representative who is shepherding a civil-unions bill through the Illinois legislature, will be on Hand as he is a dedicated 'Seed Spiller and True Son of Onan*. So will lawyers pressing for same-sex marriage in Iowa and California. It is all about Identity Politics and Advocacy Issues that actually do not exist in the actual world, but are fabricated by academics and promoted by lazy elected officials.

These Wrist Rangers will be there to advocate. Waxer anticipates students who will come to argue. It's all part of the education.

Waxer himself isn't ready to be married.

" We Tossers have trouble committing -=even to ourselves. Vintage Posters of Joan Collins or Lex Baxter are another thing entirely. They get Onanists a pumping!
But when I am," he said, "I want my devotion to this person - ME - to be recognized the same way my parents' devotion to each other is recognized, without the commitment of course. I want my kids -when begotten scientifically -to whom I will apply my spilled Pecker Snot to the proper vaginal receptacle in a clean Lab - to be able to say, 'Yeah, my Pops are married.' "

After a while, we walked over to the Rambler Wrist Off where the Boxing the Jesuit symposium will be held. The ceilings whiter than usual, and Loyola Chicago's semen rose across the walls of windows.

Out in the changing, growing city, old buildings crowded next to new ones, and next to buildings so freshly under construction that you couldn't know exactly what they'd look like, only that one day soon they'd be there, and that once they were there, we'd take them for granted, we would not remark on the cement finishers sixth trip to the Porto potty in the last hour! We would say rather, He is busier than a City Editor at the Sun Times and Doing the Same Thing!'

Just like, I'm betting, Self-same-sex marriage, getting a handle on love, will make everyone happier,busier . . .stronger. Get a Grip indeed.




*Onan spilled his semen on the ground when he went in to his brother's wife, so that he would not give offspring to his brother. (Genesis 38:9).